| change of mind..

suddenly, need the feel to be in a night shift.. wondering why?? cause im damn fucking late these past few days.. so hard to wake up in the morning and the chill of dawn keeps me asleep upto five thirty considering that my shift is at six.. and what is fucking more is getting into the office with no available cubes.. that makes it even sicker.. especialy during wednesdays in which the office was overstaffed.. damn! it's so ard to get an available station during the morning shift.. and after shift, the heat of the sun is unbearable.. ahh.. those are just shallow reasons, i know.. there's a deeper reason why the sudden change of mind.. it's something personal and once havent been resolved, that i would want to open up yet.. for the meantime, im getting my connections pry for some eager soul who would want to trade sched with me..

| family feud

i hate my brother for not respecting my mother and even the members of our family.. he chose to believe his wife and his wicked sister-in-law.. it hurts us all when his wife took away his son (my pamangkin-inaanak) from us considering the love we showed to 'em.. i hate him for shouting at my mom o'er the fone and sending messages to us to stop seeing his child and leaving his family alone.. i dont know what has gotten into my sister-in-law's mind for my brother to react that way.. i dont even know if im in the position to hinder this growing family feud.. but one thing's for sure, i miss jm.. my prayers will aways be with you kiddo..

| take it from me..

a message i sent to the one im greatly indebted for.. gus..

"wala na akong balak maghanap.. papakasaya na lang ako.. life is too short to weep and cry for something that is not meant for us.. we do have a short wonderful life to live.. so, rock on! kiss your worries away.. im glad im back on my feet again.."

"... you dont have to apologize, you've been an inspiration and you've taught me a lot.. the best thing i learned from you is that there is still life after one great love.. that love is not a resting place nor a final destination.. it is something that, once found, should be lived upon and celebrated every single day of our lives.. that is why i am celebrating L.O.V.E. - not the typical romantic feeling, but in general which encompasses every one around me.."

"pain is part of the learning.. bitter sweet as they say.. you couldnt expect me to learn more without hurting me.. wala kang kasalanan.. you simply played a role of a good eye-opener.. very well-played indeed.. andami kong natutunan.. so, stop blaming yourself for my misery before.. it's so yesterday!"

| the irony of valentine..

Valentine’s day is supposedly a celebration of love, of two hearts entwined to each other, and of two souls who found peace with each other.. guess that’s not what it meant for me.. never in my wildest dreams did i think that during this day, my first valentine having someone to finally shared it with (emotionally) for the past twenty one years of my life, will I feel such enormous pain and seclusion.. it was excruciating and throbbing having been dumped during the day i thought would turn out to be perfect having been qualified to finally rejoice the day of St. Valentine because of the status I carried (not being single at that point).. but I became conscious that the status “taken” only made me more liable to endure more twinge especially during the day which should be celebrated by loving couples – and only by loving partners!! and my partner for sure could not take the guilt of not feeling the same way i felt towards him that’s why he chose to unload me in his baggage.. i do feel for him, i know there’s no easy way to break someone else’s heart but you just have to do it.. and maybe he was thinking, “what’s the point of celebrating anyway?? I don’t feel something – that thing (love) – that I should to be on my feet and party during this day.. and in the shortest sense - I don’t love you anymore..” hard to swallow, tough to get through, and just one hell of mind-breaking, soul-freaking, suck-it-hard line that nobody would want to hear during the most celebrated day of lovers like us, or if we were such in that category.. and learning that from him, i started questioning what went wrong.. you would never want to know his reason why.. cause it’s a simple “it’s not with you, it’s with me..”