| my purpose..

Yesterday, during our second day of advanced training… the instructor (new!) asked me of what would be my purpose in life.. thinking that I should not focus in my dreams only but for the general aspect why I am living my life – I told her, “that I want to contribute to humanity by sharing God’s given skills and knowledge that I have”.. and that was okay.. but then, my co-trainees said their speeches and they got so emotional.. that they concentrated more on what they think should be the sole reason why they want to work.. some answered about family stuff and some answered about achieving personal desire.. and so all were touched by their stories even if they are told in just a single line… before the instructor ended such a brainier activity, I told her if I can change my purpose and be specific of what I really want in life… and so she let me proceed with my spill – and I told everybody that, “I want to succeed in life and so I can prove to my dad that I can do better without him..” and everybody sympathized me.. because as of that moment, that was what I want to do with my life.. to equip myself with every knowledge that I can acquire before the moment we face each other.. to somehow let him realize that even if he’s not here to guide nor support me if not love me, well, it doesn’t matter cause im doing good without his presence.. and then that was over.. as we waited for our own phone simulations, I got the chance to talk to two of my co-trainees (my turned-out-to-be-counselors).. it was just a how-are-you question and more like of a harutan at first.. I cant really recall how did it start but I suddenly found myself answering the question of Jane if what I have said earlier was really my purpose in life.. and so Audrey and her started lecturing me about the right motivation that should be taking to reach the right direction in life not the one that leads to bitterness and anger that I have just shown and told.. I was blown away by Jane’s question and it went like this, “Ja, what are you going to do after you have met your father and finally proved to him that you can do better (survive) without him???” and then I contemplated things and told myself, “Oo nga noh!”.. what will be my next driving force.. is that it?? Is that the end of it?? And then they started talking about their lives and how they have overcome if not the same but greater intensity of bitterness they have as well before.. their stories were really inspiring and then I told myself that if these two can do it, well, I can as well.. I mean finally letting go of the negative things they have in their lives.. maybe, that’s why the result of my psychological test showed that I am a melancholic person.. it’s because I dwell too much on the negative things rather than the positive.. that though im trying hard to cover it up by cranking jokes all the time, making it a habit to make other people laugh and entertaining as many people as I can – still, there’s something that holds me for me not to feel the same way I let other people want to feel – and that is to be happy and fulfilled.. I have completely forgotten about myself and the people that love me the most – my family.. that I should be grateful despite the fact that the other half of me is missing (cause of my father’s identity) but I realized from the sort-of-a-therapy that I have gone with my two counselors that I can get that other half of identity to my family, friends and to the people who love me.. I have focused myself in looking forward to the day me and my father will meet, and so I have overlooked that my mom is here with me – that I should thank her instead for she was able to bring us all up by herself.. (love you mommy!).. and so I promise myself to let go of the bad things I have in my heart.. it’ll not happen overnight but im sure that eventually, I will be able to gather the lost pieces of myself.. and for the third time, “Can I change my purpose??” – my purpose now is to do whatever it takes to bring comfort to my mom and my family so long as I live..

*a special thanks to Audrey and Jane for making me ponder these thoughts..