| as the rain pours down, memories flash back and my heart cries out!

A moment ago, as the rain poured down from the clouds, the tears literally flew down through my cheeks.. I felt so much pain because of something I wasn’t prepared to hear.. the overused cliché - “that you deserve someone better than me”, “that there is someone out there who can love you the way you love me”.. ahh!! WTF! I uttered the same lines before to my ex's and now I am hearing it to someone I love so dearly.. is this some kind of a joke.. or a twisted fate maybe.. or shall I say karma.. yeah! Because of what I did in the past, destiny must have gotten her hands on me to let me feel how throbbing it was for people I used to take for granted.. I must admit, I was such an a**hole before, never really considering the feelings of others before making decisions that will surely tear someone’s life apart.. but that happened after I endured so much pain caused by my past lovers..

To give you a quick recap of what happened in the past, ‘er it goes..

My first love was a girl.. she, in fact, taught me the right intimacy.. she taught me everything I needed to know on how to lighten the fire between two lovers.. but she dominated me.. and I never liked the idea of being manipulated especially that I take no orders from no one.. the second girl I
loved was already told in my previous blog, the BEGINNING..the third girl, well, she was too good for me, I swear!

As I entered college, I realize that a part of me is still in the dark.. and so I must clean my closet before it gets dusty and everything turns into a total mess… and so I came out of the shell.. I finally admitted that I have this sexual attraction with the same sex.. I’ve had series of relationships with a lot of guys, but none actually lasted for more than a month.. I don’t know why but as far as I know myself, I put so much effort in every relationship I had… well, to some only!! The foremost relationships I had were experimental.. and so I got hurt because I was played and used.. I was so vulnerable at that time… trying to mend the pieces of my broken heart, I jumped into another relationship and to a fling and to a relationship and the cycle goes on.. from that moment that I decided to leap from one relationship to another, I told myself that I would be not-as-loving as before… that I would think of myself, care for myself, and love myself more than i love anybody else.. but I thought wrong.. because of the implication of that little selfishness, I found myself hurting the ones I love.. I started feeling guilty because with that one shot of destiny, I didn’t give it all.. I didn’t love them not just with all my heart, but with all of me… And so I told myself that the next time I would be falling for someone, im gonna make sure to it that he will feel loved by me and that I will treat him right.. im gonna do whatever it takes to make him love me, too..

And so he came, but the inevitable happened… though im looking forward to this scenario that he’s gonna tell me that same old cliché, still I wasn’t equipped to last the pain.. he even told me before that he isn’t ready to commit to someone yet.. but I decided not to listen.. cause I wanna try this out.. as the line goes from Cueshé’s song, “think about it, cause we only had one shot at destiny.. all im asking, could it possibly be you and me?”.. and now here I am, I must say I was worn out.. my heart is bleeding and so is the love I have for him.. though im crying my heart out, I’m still praying and waiting that he will soon consider the love I am offering to him.. maybe all I need is more prayers for I have neglected my duty to Him for the longest time..