| intoxicated, exhausted and sluggish

| surprise..

somebody got promoted...

and that was me..

i was hired as a new Quality Assurance Professional for Capital One :-)

| ginger snaps..

*** taken from the 1st birthday of my goddaughter at the far right - keisha ***

| my 22nd....

Happy Birthday

JAY!!

A lot of thanks to those who greeted me..

Mommy and relatives

Malu from sitel

Ninay from feu

Marlene from feu

Ann from filinvest

Cris from sitel

Missy from feu

Jessie from convergys

Chlaire from feu

Narth from lung center

Ate alpi from sitel

Mommy Joanne from sitel

Xhandz from sitel

Judi from sitel

Patrick from sitel

Cris from feu

Nicole from feu

Kuya alden

Ate aileen

Charm from pup

Richard from sitel

Ecel from feu

Lora from feu

Grays from medical city

Pao from ict

| my brand new video iPOD..

| small momma's birthday

Today is the birthday of my mom.. she turned 62 this day.. as a surprise, a planned a little celebration for her.. I’m like piolo in the selecta commercial minus the wrecked car and the party balloons.. I gave money to my ninang lulu (mom’s sister) to buy ingredients for the food.. and after work, I bought her cake and ice cream.. small celebration but indeed, very much appreciated by my mother.. love you ‘my..

| good news and bad news..

my schedule swap was already approved by workforce and starting on monday, ill be starting my shift from 12am to 9am.. and since there will still be overtime, more probably, ill be staying till xm radio closes which is at 2pm.. ill be missing my team, my friends and a whole lot more!!! and will try to fit in to my new team.. hope they'll like me (well, everbody likes me... i am so likeable... naahhh!!!) also, have learned that i topped the QA stack ranking.. cant belive that.. all eyes were on me because i fill that number 1 position.. it's the first time that really happens after the most number of overtime hours was posted.. but anyways, with that title, it comes with responsibility - the duty to make quality calls and to maintain it as much as possible.. aside from that, we were already informed about the incentives that we'll be getting this coming 28th.. for all the radios that i was able to upsell, i will be getting $375 for those, aside from the incentives for the quality scores, absenteesm, and after call work.. woah!! cant wait for that day.. but with great prices come with great drawbacks - talking about the taxes!!! fu** sh**

| holy wed and maundy thurs..

went to the wake of my lola on wed's eve.. all my relatives were there including my fave cousins.. talked about lots of stuffs including love life.. they were forcing me to share a story but as much i'd love to, i have nothing to share.. instead, what i told them was that i've been doing lots of overtime and they hated me for that.. they noticed that i lost huge amount of weight and that i have a cute blonde hair wehehe.. they've been forcing me to join pinoy big brother (woah!! lots of support from the families of my family).. i actually tried auditioning during the first season of pbb over the phone.. i underwent lots of interviews and we stayed for at least an hour on the phone.. but then the format of screening changed, that they actually required the applicants to audition personally in abs-cbn.. and since i was an intern during that time, i cant possibly audition to pbb for security purposes.. well anyways, now that they've opened another season for teenagers, i was definitely not qualified for the current season anymore (though i look more like a highschool stud hehe).. after the wake, i went to the office to render overtime hours, they were so hesitant to let me go to the office during that time of the day.. but i explained to them that i have made a commitment and i dont want to have records of tardiness or absences.. they accompanied me instead to get a cab... knowing that the whole family was with me before i jumped into the cab, the cab driver for sure can not make any doubtful actions.. and so i got to the office and worked and worked and worked!!!

arrived at home at around three in the afternoon.. and slept for the whole 12 hours.. from 3pm - 3.20am.. felt like i woke up from the grave..

| holy week.. (part 2)

Holy Tuesday - the day started out just fine.. so fine to be exact.. not to mention that i woke up late.. i woke up at 4 am considering my shift is at 4:30 am.. geezz!!! hurried myself and took a shower.. did not eat my breakfast and hailed a cab (which is the last that i would do if only i woke up early - remember my thrift plan!) instead of worrying about my charges for my fair, i was ecstatic when the cab driver asked me, "Sir, where are you going???" - like why on earth was he talking like that??.. i responded to him, "Eastwood lang po!" and then he commented, "Ay bossing kala ko amerikano kayo, tisoy kase kayo eh... kala ko tuloy mauubusan na ako ng English".. and that was so nice to remember.. having someone fooled by me.. someone who has mistakenly identified me as a caucasian.. well anyways, the driver was so verbose and he indeed established rapport during the course of our travel.. props to you Manong! and for that, i gave him a tip.. :-)

later that day, me and best buddy in college (ninay) met up in Espana because we have planned to have our reservation in ERA Review Center for our certification.. i missed her so much.. we summoned at McDonald's P. Campa and bought one of those coke mcfloats.. if only i knew that it will cause me no good (and i mean no good at all - no for spoilers!) i would'nt have bought it in the first place.. after paying for my reservation fees, we went to Robinson's Place.. she was complaining that she was starving and stuff like that so we dined in first in Dulcinea.. ordered one of the healthiest, stuffed meal there - Tornadio a la Sevillana (i think!) and pasta bolognese and bottomless iced teas.. we were so satisfied with the food and were so full when we left there.. and that's where the mcfloat kicked in.. my stomach was so aching and the sudden feeling to unload came up.. we tried sitting on benches to stop the pain and i also tried to drink 2 imodiums to stop it, but guess what, it only aggreviated the pain.. the more i felt to release (whew!).. and so the last resort is to find a comfort room (which i can be comfortable with), but how could i be comfortable in pooing if there are lots of people in that room.. though i have decided to poo in a public cr for the first time and even had my paraphernalia ready, i still could not do it.. we even thought of asking the sales lady in a boutique and have her paid just to let me use their cr, but we didnt think that will work out.. the best last thing that we have resorted - actually, it was my idea, was to find a hotel wherein i can find pleasure for my raging gastroninestinal hormones.. and i actually caught this board saying "SOGO HOTEL"... hmmm... tik-tak-tik-tak-tik-tak... B-I-N-G-O! i immediately told ninay about that and she didnt hesitate at all.. she was more than willing to ease the pain i am suffering.. and so we hailed a cab and asked the driver, "Boss, san ba may malapit na sogo dito??", the driver then replied, "Dyan lang, sakay na!".. and so we jumped into the cab and waited for our destination.. we have no idea that it will be a walk-in type of hotel.. and so we walked through the front doors and immediately asked the receptionist, "Boss, meron ba kayong 1 hour lang??", and he answered back, "Sori, 2 hours yung minimum namin eh.." and so we agreed to that and paid Php 230.00 for the last thing on my mind was to find another motorist hotel who could have let us stay for one hour only.. we hurried to the third floor where our assigned room was and even got lost in a labyrinth-like hallways.. ninay even opened the wrong door and have a sneek at what whoever-they-are-who-were-so-stupid-for-not-locking-their-doors were doing.. that was so hilarious.. and we finally located our nest.. and have my baggages released in the bathroom's throne.. it's a memoir i'll never forget.. that for once in my life, i chose to check in to a hotel because of diarrhea..

after that, arvin (ninay's boyfriend) fetched us and actually scolded us for moving in to a hotel like that.. but that was okay.. im sure he understood why.. and to compensate for the shame and nothing but shame and also for us to bond together after few months, i invited them to panay kalipay - one of the eat-outs in Baywalk Roxas Blvd.. though, we might not have the best band along the boulverad during that night, we enjoyed each other and drink ourselves up.. haha.. we tried ordering some of the cocktails but instead what we got are the mocktails (the hell i know where that word came from!).. we actually thought they were the same, so we ordered three different ones - sherley temple, four seasons and virgin collade, which turned out to be just one of their best sodas, juices and shakes.. yuck!! and so we feast ourselves for San Migueeell Beer Light (as what ninay said) instead.. i missed my friends so much!!

| holy week.. (part 1)

to start the week with - Palm Sunday, came to work early.. rendered rest day overtime to earn more money.. i wanna improve myself.. i wanna work my butt off to avoid an idle mind.. besides, i have nothing to do at home.. so might as well come to work.. the only thing i hate when coming to work is the afterwork.. knowing that i'll be walking under the sun makes me sick.. i hate the sun.. trying to save some pennies nowadays that's why as much as possible, i've been stopping myself to hail a cab.. been thinking hard about the offer of my colleague to swap my schedule to hers.. 12:30am - 9:30am with sat and sun off.. hmm??.. my schedule at the review center will be mwf 1:00pm - 4:00pm.. but i'm also considering the offer of mommy joanne to be with her in Sitel's new account to be located in Boni, Mandaluyong.. it's a financial account and we will be the first batch.. it will actually start in the first week of may.. dunno yet the schedule but if ever the schedule will be in the evenings as well - i might consider more to be relocated in that account.. though i have grown to love XM Satellite Radio.. but i have always been a person of change.. i'm sure i wouldn't regret it if i step out of the box and move out from my comfort zones..

Holy Monday - a shocker!! my other grandma here in my family's compound passed away.. early this year, my grandma died and now my other lola died as well with the same cause of death - aging and pneomonia.. ahh!! i feel sad.. there will be no funeral services from thurs - sundays that's why we need to send her to her grave this coming wednesday, meaning two nights of wake only.. whew!!
went out to metrobank plaza this morning to fill out the graduates info sheet.. i was a metrobank scholar for three and a half years and they've been supportive about my welfare and career growth upto this time.. they were personally offering me to work to their company or if not, to any of their subsidiaries.. and this coming april 21, they want me to come to their career day wherein representatives from different companies would hold job interviews.. pretty nice offer but i dont know if i can come.. but i will try to come though.. and this coming april 22, we will be having a graduates forum.. a whole day event (from 7:30am - 10pm).. i still aint sure if i can come as well because that day is jhen's graduation celebration (one of my bestfriends).. gotta real tough things to decide.. hope i'll make good ones..

to be continued..

| white party..

Team Amihan's

boneyard peeps..

(starting from the upper left)

Dayniel, Sugar, Daddy Vins, Ate Alpi, Jayce, Joshh, Juedi, Vikk, Vickie, Ja, Denz, Rich, and Norlie..

| love quotes..

from kaye,

sometimes we think that feeling something is enough, but we don’t realize that when we don’t take the risks and do something about what we feel, the feeling just goes away and we miss out on what could have been beautiful..

from ninay,

love changes you.. the way you think, the way you act, the way you decide.. sometimes you even go against your principles and beliefs in life.. loving doesn’t always mean you’ll be happy.. sometimes, all it provides you is pain and misery.. yet you are blinded by strong emotions that you fail to see reality.. sometimes, letting go is the only answer and it hurts like hell.. but you will soon realize that it is better if the person you love would be happy to someone else – than lonely with you.. and that’s what you call sacrifice..

from marlene,

people fall in love not knowing why nor how.. it’s a special feeling that doesn’t require much answers.. you just love no matter how stupid you become..

from grays,

don’t let false love fool you, but don’t let real love pass you by.. cause the easy part of life is finding someone to love, and the hard part is finding someone to love you back..

from mommy Joanne,

sometimes you just have to forget the rules, follow your heart and see where it takes you.. never apologize for saying what you feel because it’s like saying sorry for being real.. never regret anything you said or did because at some point, it was what you wanted.. true strength is being able to hold it all together when everyone else is expecting you to fall apart..

from ninay,

it is an enigma when you fall in love and accept that some good things never last and suddenly, you’ll see yourself as nothing, nothing but a loser.. it’s an agony to accept that despite the feelings you have, it is all not enough.. but when you love someone, you’d do the hardest thing.. yes, it’s not going to be easy but at least you know that what you felt is real.. in the end, you’ll ask yourself, “does it hurt?”.. then you’ll close your eyes and whisper, “yes.. but it’s all worthwhile..”

from mj,

Cinderella walked on broken glass.. sleeping beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast.. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast.. jasmine could have had anyone but instead he chose a poor man.. and ariel walked for the first time on land.. all for love and all for life.. it was all about blood, sweat and tears.. love is all about facing your biggest fears and not letting the moment pass you by..

| gus..

At last the long wait was over, the love of my life – gus has finally proposed his love to me.. I need not say “I love you, too" cause apparently, it was indeed obvious how much I love him.. the whole world knows what I’ve been through to finally succeed in my endeavor of capturing his heart.. the moment I learned that he was letting go of his past, I felt excited that after 7 long months of waiting, I can finally have my turn.. and so I texted him telling him how glad I was about his decision.. I offered him help to forget the past.. GOD knows how long I’ve been waiting for this thing to happen.. I felt elated how things were going and will be going.. we started going out.. we eat out often at Pizza Hut, Yellow Cab, Sbarro, Fazoli’s, Something Fishy, McDonald’s, Sugarhouse, Red Ribbon, Serye, Dencio’s, Cibo, Teriyaki Boy.. we dyed our hair together at Bench Fix and have our hair styled by our favorite stylist – LG.. we shopped our clothes from People R People, Folded n Hung, Human, Nike, and in Ukay-ukay (a thrift store).. we have the same chucks from Shoe Salon – green for him and pink for me.. we have the same teddy bear bought from Bear Hug – his was named Ziggy while mine was named Chucky.. he was there when I bought my ipod video which I’ve been dreading to buy since Christmas.. he was also there when I bought my birthday present for myself – nokia n70.. he would also fetch me after my review classes and would buy me food for merienda – so sweet.. we would even go to his place after my classes to have our bonding moments.. and when Sunday comes, we would go to church together and catch a movie after that.. a lot of things happened and the next thing I know, we were celebrating our 1^st anniversary – my first ever!

Everything seemed perfect at that time.. all my dreams came true and there’s nothing more I can ever ask for.. all I wanted was somebody who could love me and somebody I could die for because of love..

Until I heard my mom knocking at my door and telling me, “anak gising na, kakain na!”.. darn it.. that was just a dream.. and like most of my dreams, this one’s not gonna happen.. it’s never gonna happen.. it wont happen..

If there’s something I’m so good at – it is dreaming..

“hay ang sarap mangarap!”

| new look.. c/o of Bench Fix Libis

check out stripped! for more pics..

| what i've been doing lately..

reading novels: just finished Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code and will be starting his prequel of DVC - Angels and Demons.. not to mention that im trying to fit into my reading time Barbara Bretton's classic romance Maybe This Time and Jennifer Wiener's In Her Shoes..

watching series: American Idol is the top pick.. always been a fan.. ready-ing my pc to download AI5 mp3s.. eyeing for Kelly Pixler and of course, another rock-idol-soon-to-be Chris Daughtry.. also catching The OC's and North Shore's first season.. and my night wouldnt be complete if i havent gaze at the characters of Princess Lulu, My Name is Kim Sam Soon, Enkantadia, Starstruck and PBB.. love 'em all..

cleaning my room: started putting all my stuff toys into their own spot.. placing my jeans and shirts in my closet and fixing my bulky documents and disposing those that need to be disposed.. illuminated my room with enough lights and wiping dirts of my hatred brother's dvds..

sanitation of the soul, the heart and the mind..

| a testimonial for missy..

the sister that I never have.. that’s the exact phrase that would describe her.. I love her so much that I treat her more like a sister.. to give you the exact details on how we met, it started during the orientation here in Sitel.. before sending us home during that night, the hr manager gave us the instructions for our foundation training and with those they included as well the location of our sites.. little did we know that we will be assigned at the same site – hanston building in ortigas.. and so, we felt obliged to be acquainted with each other because we will be spending the next two weeks of training together but we never did.. it was ate maricel who introduced us with each other.. I admit I was so shy at first but I was never plastic (just like what she always tell as her first impression daw to me).. I just don’t feel like conversing that much to a person I hardly knew.. and so we parted ways.. we met again on Monday morning in sitel for the contract signing.. she was with ate maricel and some peeps I cant even remember and I was with pat (one of our common friends, danessa and some other person).. we took off the building at the same time.. the plan was to take two cabs that would fetch us to hanston by fours.. and missy was gazing at me with the sumama-ka-na-samin look on her face but I didn’t.. Im with pat and the rest of the gang beside me.. and so they were the first to get their cab and when it was our turn, I told my peeps that I felt guilty because I let missy alone together with the aged peeps.. she was obviously out of their age bracket and she was definitely in our league.. but let bygones be bygones.. and so we got to our destination clueless.. I misguidedly identified their batch as my batch because they were located in the 8^th floor while my batch was located in the 5^th floor.. and so karma struck me for not attending to her request (by looks) because they were all together while I was left alone with the older peeps hehe.. but that was aight! Can deal with that.. still, we constantly saw each other in the corridors and in the façade where everybody is having their breaks smoking their lungs up.. she was always with this person that I liked seeing so much back then.. she knows who it was.. and that will remain as our secret girl.. and so the foundation training ended and we began product training – still with their corresponding batches.. but during the midpoint assessment, we got merged for political reasons and we were all aware of that.. because they need to merge only the beautiful ones and we should obviously be put together.. lolz..

having been the ones to move to their batch was so hard for me and my batchmates.. we were only like 9 persons collaborated with a 20-person batch.. and so we haven’t had the chance to be together cause we never mingled ourselves with them.. she remained with her peeps and I remained with mine.. and so product training ended and we were off to the on-the-job training.. after that, we were grouped with our respective teams.. I even introduced one of my closest friends to her because they will be teammates.. and so that was it.. the end of our journey..

never in my thoughts occurred that we will become as close as what we are right now.. it was because of enzo that I finally got the chance to be involve with her.. enzo was my teammate and he was one of her peeps.. I just cant remember when we exactly exchanged numbers and even shared our life stories with each other.. it just so happened.. all I know is that we share the same color.. I like pink a lot but she loves pink to death.. to the point that all of her clothing would have a touch of pink.. to her blush on, to her bag, to her top and even to her undergarment.. sometimes, she’ll wear gold but she makes sure that she has gold accessories, gold bag and gold shoes… or even silver with silver bag, silver sandals and silver rings, bracelets and you-know-what-else.. name it and she’ll have it.. lately, she wears purple top (the one that we bought from our latest shopping spree) and to my prediction, she has purple bag as well as purple cap with it.. whew! it takes a true fashionista to have the same color of apparels to wear for the day.. whatever color motif she would prefer for the day, it’s for sure that every piece of clothing she put has to have the touch of that color.. that’s my sister.. terno kung terno hehe..

maybe that’s why we got along so much, I like putting the same color to my outfit as well but not with the same intensity as she is putting to her looks.. mine was kinda subtly but hers was more of a vulgar.. but anyways, we share the same taste of clothes.. we have this pants – the kind of sira-sira - the rugged style that we wore sometimes together with our pink chucks that we bought from the shoe salon together with a pink top that we obviously planned to wear during that day.. it was so cool.. it was our pink panther day (our self-made event that everybody got struck).. we were like the partners in crime forever.. for our next event, we were planning to strut this army pants we spotted here in eastwood.. better watch out for that folks! It will be a militia day in eastwood by the time we walk in the pavements of a crimeless city..

aside from having so much delight with the way we dress together, we also love taking pictures.. to her boyfriend’s dismay, I have lots of pictures than him in her fone.. well, you cant beat a relationship made out of blood (I do not literally mean blood as in consanguinity) but there was an instance that I cut myself and to be a true hero – as a genuine sister of mine – she pulled out a band aid she kept in her wallet for a long time and sealed my small-turning-to-nothing-but-small wound.. hehe.. I would have panicked during that instance but she undoubtedly helped me out.. though it was a very good little deed, it meant something to me.. one of the reasons why I love this girl so much.. she would protect me to the full extent of her capacity..

I remembered her shooing my crush-turned-enemy away when he approached near to us.. she learned that this guy was exposing my text message to everybody bragging that I sent him this message telling him that I love him so much – which was partly true.. I admit I sent that message out of boredom (I was in a review center that time when I sent that dreadful message).. but as a true sister that would protect her brother, she said loudly to this guy “ang kapal ng mukha mo, feeling mo ang gwapo mo! Eeww!!” it was so nice that there’s someone who would protect me even if it was my mistake.. a true consitidora!

But there was a moment where I had the chance to bring back the favor.. I remember the times she was bothered by her ex because of the decision she made.. she broke up with that poor guy in favor of something else.. and we both knew that.. im sorry but I cant tell it here for security purposes.. because she never spoke up with what truly happened with that guy, I was the one who got caught in the middle.. but still, in the end, I stood by her side and supported her all the way though her decision was a little questionable for me – but hey im her brother and nothing would change that even her obvious off decisions.. I would still love her despite of the things she does to her life..

And also, to bring back all the goodness that she made for me.. I let her finish my lunch always.. this girl has a big appetite.. well, most people don’t know about that.. after payday, we would treat each other out.. we would dine out to the most expensive restos in eastwood, try to pamper ourselves a little.. haha.. she is starbuck’s caramel frappe while I am starbuck’s mocha frappe.. we share the same brand of noodles.. YAKISOBA seafood or beef would do.. we would literally sink our rice in noodles we bought from vendo and racing with each other to eat as many as we can because we share the same lunch.. and lastly, we would sit next to each other, have our screens colored pink and would help each other with very difficult phone calls..

One thing I haven’t said to missy yet is that, she's one of the reasons why I love working in sitel.. knowing that I can count on her always makes me believe that I have the greatest treasure life has to offer.. our working relationship would surely not last that long but our friendship would for sure last a fortune.. against all odds, you are my little sister and I am your big brother.. we would praise each other’s looks always and we would save each other’s seat most of the times, but above all that, we know that we’re just here to be with each other and it just so happened that we love each other.. you are the sister that I never have but not anymore, cause you are the sister I’m beginning to share my life with..

i love you sis..

| we've gone upselling..

- aside from activating a radio, answering billing inquiries, and providing technical know-how - we are now upselling XM RADIOs to our customers...

here's the catch, for every radio sold you'll get to have $5-incentive..

and just before lunch break, i was able to close three deals.. yipee!!

| jazz up your day..

trying to make myself content nowadays.. ive been sick these past few days and im struggling for my breath every night because of my asthma.. guess this is an outcome of what i have endured for overworking again and for rendering overtime hours and not having enough sleep.. financially, i love the idea of earning a lot without having that much to do.. the company is just running for production hours and since the call volume is not that much, it makes us idle during login hours - and the good thing about that is we are being paid.. though we really cannot sleep on the floor.. but still, coming to work has been a lot of fun for me.. have my friends here and have countable crushes that really make me want to come to work hehe.. but i know i cant go beyond that.. as much as possible, i am trying to maintain professional relationship with my officemates.. though i have invested a lot for friendship to some but that's a totally different thing.. i mean, i couldnt have stayed long in this company if not for them.. i have mommy lou who shared sentiments with me.. who ive trusted the most and who i can share the most struggling moments i've been having because of work.. not to mention that i dragged her everytime i want to go shopping, smoking and even going to the men's room.. i have my sis - missy, who ive grown to love as my real sister.. she's like a sister that i never have.. my partner in crime.. my superfriend.. my better half.. we share the same color, the same jeans and even the same chucks.. and we're both stubborn.. grrrr!!! i'll be posting our pics later this month.. havent uploaded them yet.. that's it.. peace out!

| ain't too proud to beg..

I know you wanna leave me , but I refuse to let you go.. If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy, I don't mind 'cause you mean that much to me.. Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darling, please don't leave me boy, don't you go.. Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby please don't leave me boy, don't you go.. Now I've heard a crying man is half a man, with no sense of pride butif I have to cry to keep you I don't mind weeping if it'll keep you by my side.. Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darling, please don't leave me boy, don't you go (Don't you go away).. Ain't too proud to plead, baby, baby please don't leave me boy, don't you go..

| my name is julius andrew..

and here are my random rantings..

- i was named after julie andrews, the star of "the sound of music"

- i used to be picked when i was a child and the phrase goes, "jay, jay pak sinapak tulog - paggising sa umaga wala ng betlog"

- i never celebrated father's day.. there's no reason for me to..

- i'm a fan of Liwayway, a local magazine, that unleashed my sexuality and my sexual fantasies..

- i grew up playing jolens together with my cousins.. all of em are boys except me (who hid in the closet for several years)

- never really liked the taste of fresh milk unless if you pour cereals on it.. kokocrunch!

- lived in a spanish antique house for several years cause the real property of our clan was demolished by the jap..

- a nursery valedictorian, a kindergarten honor stud, multi-awarded junior sports journalist, most outstanding cadet, theater artist, cheerdancer, dean's lister, metrobank scholar, leadership awardee..

- unpredictable dumbness overshadowed my achievements..

- i dont go to church that often but i have faith..

- had four ex-girlfriends and wanting to have one again if i can..

- had lots of flings (cant help it!)

- my heart was broken several times but im still whole.. im trying to be for the person who will be willing to love me in the future..

- a coccaine - methamphetamine - grass user..

- bisexual by nature..

- "i wish i know how to quit you... i really wish i know how.."

| change of mind..

suddenly, need the feel to be in a night shift.. wondering why?? cause im damn fucking late these past few days.. so hard to wake up in the morning and the chill of dawn keeps me asleep upto five thirty considering that my shift is at six.. and what is fucking more is getting into the office with no available cubes.. that makes it even sicker.. especialy during wednesdays in which the office was overstaffed.. damn! it's so ard to get an available station during the morning shift.. and after shift, the heat of the sun is unbearable.. ahh.. those are just shallow reasons, i know.. there's a deeper reason why the sudden change of mind.. it's something personal and once havent been resolved, that i would want to open up yet.. for the meantime, im getting my connections pry for some eager soul who would want to trade sched with me..

| family feud

i hate my brother for not respecting my mother and even the members of our family.. he chose to believe his wife and his wicked sister-in-law.. it hurts us all when his wife took away his son (my pamangkin-inaanak) from us considering the love we showed to 'em.. i hate him for shouting at my mom o'er the fone and sending messages to us to stop seeing his child and leaving his family alone.. i dont know what has gotten into my sister-in-law's mind for my brother to react that way.. i dont even know if im in the position to hinder this growing family feud.. but one thing's for sure, i miss jm.. my prayers will aways be with you kiddo..

| take it from me..

a message i sent to the one im greatly indebted for.. gus..

"wala na akong balak maghanap.. papakasaya na lang ako.. life is too short to weep and cry for something that is not meant for us.. we do have a short wonderful life to live.. so, rock on! kiss your worries away.. im glad im back on my feet again.."

"... you dont have to apologize, you've been an inspiration and you've taught me a lot.. the best thing i learned from you is that there is still life after one great love.. that love is not a resting place nor a final destination.. it is something that, once found, should be lived upon and celebrated every single day of our lives.. that is why i am celebrating L.O.V.E. - not the typical romantic feeling, but in general which encompasses every one around me.."

"pain is part of the learning.. bitter sweet as they say.. you couldnt expect me to learn more without hurting me.. wala kang kasalanan.. you simply played a role of a good eye-opener.. very well-played indeed.. andami kong natutunan.. so, stop blaming yourself for my misery before.. it's so yesterday!"

| the irony of valentine..

Valentine’s day is supposedly a celebration of love, of two hearts entwined to each other, and of two souls who found peace with each other.. guess that’s not what it meant for me.. never in my wildest dreams did i think that during this day, my first valentine having someone to finally shared it with (emotionally) for the past twenty one years of my life, will I feel such enormous pain and seclusion.. it was excruciating and throbbing having been dumped during the day i thought would turn out to be perfect having been qualified to finally rejoice the day of St. Valentine because of the status I carried (not being single at that point).. but I became conscious that the status “taken” only made me more liable to endure more twinge especially during the day which should be celebrated by loving couples – and only by loving partners!! and my partner for sure could not take the guilt of not feeling the same way i felt towards him that’s why he chose to unload me in his baggage.. i do feel for him, i know there’s no easy way to break someone else’s heart but you just have to do it.. and maybe he was thinking, “what’s the point of celebrating anyway?? I don’t feel something – that thing (love) – that I should to be on my feet and party during this day.. and in the shortest sense - I don’t love you anymore..” hard to swallow, tough to get through, and just one hell of mind-breaking, soul-freaking, suck-it-hard line that nobody would want to hear during the most celebrated day of lovers like us, or if we were such in that category.. and learning that from him, i started questioning what went wrong.. you would never want to know his reason why.. cause it’s a simple “it’s not with you, it’s with me..”

| let's celebrate L.O.V.E.

still in the process of contemplating my thoughts ...

| shift bid..

shift bid - def. to bid/propose for a shift that you want according to your lifestyle for the next quarter of the year and in accordance to that, you must be able to place on the top ranking of the company's top performers to get more options..

luckily, out of more or less 300 agents that XM Radio has in Sitel i was able to rank 12th on the stack ranking of the company.. that gives me the prospect to bid for a morning shift.. i want a day job, though i really wanna be in the night shift cause of the night differential.. but hey, i want my bodyclock to be normal cause i'd like to gain weight and redeem my strength.. i lost a couple of pounds during the last OT race.. and im preparing myself again cause ive heard rumors that there will be a new race this coming summer and i would really like to prepare for that.. i want to win again *chuckles*.. i maybe a workaholic cause i dont want to be idle and during my offs, i would miss my station and the urge to speak with americans.. the passion to really help people out is still in my blood and though, my mom really disagrees about the knd of job that i have i dont give a damn.. im happy with it and so far im liking it more.. so for the next three months, ill be working my ass out from tuesday to saturdays six ey-em to three pee-em :-)

| pasiyam..

It was over.. Our mournings and long days of praying for my grandma's soul have finally come to its peak.. The other day, we celebrated the Pasiyam of my lola.. Pasiyam is actually a Filipino tradition offered to a dead relative. It is done on the ninth day after the death of a person. During "Pasiyam", the people join in prayer for the repose of the soul of the departed. Foods are also served for the people who join the bereaved family. We do have feast of delicacies from pastas to chicken to filipino dishes and to sweet delights.. During the interment of my lola, i was the one who read the readings from the BIBLE as well as the responsorial psalm and prayer for her soul.. Before the mass ended, the priest asked who would like to speak in the family's behalf for the final words.. None of us agreed cause we really cant bear the pain during that time and so let me tell here what i couldve told everybody during that moment, "i'd like to thank all of those people who graced their presence during one of the toughest times in our lives (me and my family), those who shared their prayers and sympathy to my wonderful lola who has been the greatest among her generations.. it was indeed, through your support and love, that we found strength to withstand the loneliness that was killing us.. rest assured that all the efforts that you guys made were well-appreciated and welcomed by the whole family.." Thank you to the ones who showed love during my distress...

| and so grandma passed away..

yesterday morning, i heard my grandma grasping for breath.. so loud that even i am inside the shower room i can still hear her breathing so hard.. i told my mom about that.. she said yeah she knew it.. and told me to worry no more cause she'll be having her weekly check up that morning.. so before i leave yesterday, i looked at her and told her you're gonna be okay grandma.. and so i went to work.. from there, i learned that i was about to get the prize of my overtime hours on the next payday which was on the 28th of the month.. told myself, isnt it too late because i even promised my mom that as soon as get the pot money im gonna buy medicines for my sick grandma.. and so that was okay.. what can i do?? but to wait -- and so i went home after work, starving and sleepy.. as i entered the door, no one seems to answer my call.. hmm.. pretty odd cause normally when i got home i would see my mom preparing my food already but nobody was there.. and so i asked my relatives in the compound for the whereabouts of my mom.. they told me the shocking news that grandma already passed away.. well, that explains the reason why her bedsheets were already folded and kept.. i dunno what to say then.. the idea of losing her didnt sink into me that instantly.. i thought she was still having this operation and im praying she'll make it through.. she was diagnosed of pneumonia (not just the ordinary one!!) i really dont know the exact name of it - my bad!! and then i called my bestfriends, my close friends.. breaking them the news i found out was the hardest thing to do - much more when i did it to my brother who was at overseas.. i cant find the exact words to say but, "wala na si lola.. iniwan niya na tayo!!".. the only regret i have inside is the fact that i wasnt able to help her out when i had the chance to.. i even told my mom that im going to buy her medicines once i received the prize for my award.. one of the reasons why i joined the OT race in our company is to help her out.. but i guess that was too late.. even before i had the chance to do that for her, she already left us.. i remembered my aunt and mom crying so hard when they arrived home.. stuttering, my mom told us how the operation went through.. the doctors were trying to get blood from her body but the syringe could not get in to any of her veins.. they have been doing that for two hours and luckily, a vein was spotted wherein they could get a blood sample from her.. and then the x-ray was done.. she was about to be transferred to the 4th floor of the hospital for the next operation, she was at ER in the first floor prior to that... and when they went, the doctors were so pleased to see my grandma.. they were checking her condition until the doctor said "oh, bakit wala ng pulse si lola!!" and then the nurses rushed in and immediately did everything to revive her.. my mom who was the only who witnessed that was so shocked and didnt know what to do.. she didnt know whom to turn to or seek for help.. she didnt bring her fone with her.. and so, the doctors were trying to open her mouth to put the tube that was supposed for oxygen breathing but grandma doesnt want to open it anymore.. it's a silent way of saying she gave up.. she had lots of suffering already and maybe, that was her time to go away.. my other aunt who was at the pharmacy back then went up to the 4th floor to see my grandma's condition.. as she was going up, she noticed some butterflies approacing her way.. minding about the condition of my lola, she didnt pay attention to the insects.. little did she know that maybe, that was my grandma's soul.. i really miss my grandma so much.. it's the first time that we lost an immediate family member and it was so hard that i cant even imagine.. harder than i felt whenever i see someone dying in the movies.. the last time i told my grandma that i love her was maybe 3 days before she left.. if only i knew that she'll be passing away yesterday, i couldve told her many i love yous then.. i was a lola's boy and forever will be.. the values that she shared to me will be forever be in my heart and i will keep her in my heart as long as i can.. i love you lola.. i just cant believe you passed away.. ill be missing you..

| DSL mode..

finally, after a long argument and persuasion between me and my family members, they gave in to let me and my cousin sign up for a dsl service through pldt.. at last, long hours of dial up are now over and i can have the unlimited hours of downloading my fave mp3s and videos (porn hehe!!).. new year, new air to breathe.. though havent that much luck for love, ive got nothing to worry with my friends around.. earlier today, four of my college kadas contacted me to help em get in to my company.. without batting an eyelash, i immediately made myself accountable for their entrance.. id do anything to help em get in.. good thing i've known someone from the hr.. maybe i could fix some one night stand in favor of their hiring.. just kidding.. but if that's what it'll take to help my friends get in, why not??? i mean, i could do everything for my loved ones, what difference does it make if id do somethig outrageous like that for my friends?? im keeping my fingers crossed, planning ahead of the things we'll be doing when they get hired and lots of fun and laughters we'll be sharing on the floor.. im so excited for that matter.. my adrenalins are rushing up aside from the fact that i had a straight 20-hour sleep.. geez, im so ready for the year ahead - for all the challenges and memories im going to make..

year 2006 will just like be a dsl mode for me - unlimited services at 100MBPS..

| Thank You For Your Love by DIMSUM

My life was a constant uphill climb Never got it right Each one I loved went through a change of heart You came and my world turned upside down You sung a different tune Can't let go It keeps playing on my mind Now there's a reason to wake up each day A reason to shake my blues away Now I am whole, a lucky soul I wanna thank you for your love Thank you Thank you for your love Confused My heart was in a daze Learn to live with pain I loved too haste then watch it go to waste You came and brought music to my soul Inspired me to the very core You touched me well No one has been before * Now there's a reson to wake up each day I thank the Lord for sending you my way Now I am whole, a lucky soul I wanna thank you for your love Thank you Thank you for your love I saw the world in shades of black and gray, yey Turning blue with every passing day Just when I thought that maybe all was lost My life took on a new turn And it's all because It's because (repeat *) Now looking back All the pain No more dark clouds

| the bad memories i wanna forget..

1st, the misunderstandings that i have with my friends.. though they were very petty, we made emsuch a big deal that's why the issue got so packed up but id like to keep em all away cause no matter how bad you've been through those days that you misunderstood each other, nothing can compare for the friendship we vested upon each other..

2nd, the affair that did not push through.. maybe, there is really this thing that we call one great love which will come into our life.. too bad, mine had gone away.. it might never come back or it was really never meant for me.. i dont know.. ive been hurting, and with the new year ahead - i really want to give myself a chance to be happy.. no more drama please..

3rd, the coma of my grandma.. i dunno what to feel, got really upset for what happened to her.. she is bedridden and incapable to speak with and recognize us.. ahh!! it was really hard to see her that way.. she used to be alive and so talkative but now she's not.. i miss my lola!!

| carved on the stone..

year 2005 was one of the awesome years of my life.. maybe because of the different things that happened during this year - the good ones and the bad ones which made me become a better person or is it not??!!
oh well, to give you the highlights of the things that transpired throughout the whole year, here it goes..
first quarter of the year - i got hired in abs-cbn as one of the on-the-job trainees.. the time ive been in the company was incomparable.. i got to meet a lot of my idols in person as well as to be a part of my dream company.. i've always wanted to be an entertainer - in the sense that i bring joy to everybody else and though that is not my job description, somehow it felt good to be surrounded by people who have the same passion as mine..
second quarter of the year - got so hooked up with the project study.. got involved so much with my friends and God - i miss em so much.. i've had lots of friends and im so proud to tell that my bonding with my groupmates evolved from scratch to gold.. it was already given to have lots of misunderstandings but that's the whole point that made the friendship grew deeper..
third quarter of the year - busy days!! school stuff was really a pain in the ass.. you could never imagine how tough it was to graduate and earn a degree.. the final test of being a stud - the thesis that made our lives in the edge of breaking down.. im so proud of what we have achieved.. our thesis made it through brunei and even posted in some website for one week.. but of course, thanks to abs-cbn who has been our partner in making the thesis such a huge success.. in excess, love bloomed in the air during this time.. too bad, it was like a smoke that was taken by the wind instantly..
fourth quarter of the year - got my first job ever.. the process of acquiring such was so hard that i almost gave up.. because of the spirit and because of the good intent of having a job, i was able to get in to one of the companies that opened such great oppurtunity for me.. and now im doing what it takes to keep this job and to continually improve myself.. though it's not my profession, but i am happy with what im doing so far..

2005 - a year that laid lots of oppurtunities to my life.. a year that made me realize the purpose of my life.. and a year that wil trademark some of the achievements i have in life.. goodbye two o' five..

| happy birthday kaye!!

kaye's 19th birthday.. oh i miss this girl so much.. been with her since start of the foundation training.. found her to be the snobbish type.. but i thought wrong.. she was one of the sweetest kinds i've ever known so far.. we had something in common - our eyes and our cheeks.. way to go chinovela prince and princess!! too bad we're not scheduled for the same shift.. though we havent seen each other that much and we havent chitchatted much, i know that what we started will still continue to grow.. kaye, you're the greatest emblem of a teenage mother.. continue inspiringyour kinds.. i've been such a fan of your courage and strength ever since so do not change.. hope your problems will fly away as you reach your dream.. i will forever love you just the way you are!! happy birthday!!

| NEW YEAR!!

thank god, ot days are soon to come over.. ill be having a total of 159 hours of OT from december 9 - january 1.. im vying to get the grand prize for the most number of OT hours and to get Php 10,000 in cash.. still crossing my fingers for it bwahaha.. well, all the efforts will be paid of soon.. need to have my unsolicited vacation this coming january.. it's time to give myself a new life for a new year to come ahead.. il be posting my wonderful memories for the year 2005 on my next blog..

| OT.. OT.. OT..

If the only way to forget somebody is to keep myself busy then I wouldn’t mind working my ass of every minute.. I booked myself in our OT forms and made my regular working hours to 15 hours a day up to the 9th of next month including my rest days and holidays.. I don’t give a damn what other people might say.. but I just want to work as hard as I can.. I don’t want to get idle and then start lingering the past, which was so not good for me anymore.. I’ve been in the rocky road for the longest time and it’s so high time for me to get it over with.. good thing I have my centrum everyday..

| MUST HAVEs mp3s..

1. fall out boy - dance dance
2. mariah carey - makin' it last all night
3. gwen stefani - luxurious
4. chris brown - run it
5. d4l - laffy taffy
6. bep f/ lil jon - my humps (remix)
7. craig david - dont love you no more
8. hale - kung wala ka
9. juana - goodbye
10. bamboo - much has been said
11. backstreet boys - i still
12. pharell williams f/ gwen - can i have it like that
13. eric benet - the last time
14. madhouse - the prayer
15. interactive - forever young
16. safri duo - played a-live
17. jay-r and iya - almost paradise
18. jay-r - just the way you are
19. sugarfree - makitang muli
20. darude - sandstorm

| my prerogative..

STICKWITU by The Pussycat Dolls

I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
Throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

** Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we rideIn our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

** Repeat

And now I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

** Reapat till fade

| harpo thoughts..

i've always been a fan of the Oprah show since i was in highschool.. i must say that she's one of my influences of becoming my true self and finiding my real identity.. last night as i watched her interview with uma thurman (with the issue of eher breaking up the marriage with her husband ethan hawke), something struck me the most.. when she was asking UT if she forgave EH already, she cant answer for a little bit and then oprah suddenly shared her therapeutical message about that question.. she told UT that for you to be able to forgive him, you must be able to give up the hope of continuing the past.. you know, giving up the IF ONLYs and WOULD'VE BEENs would be very helpful to forgive him and then accept him again as a new person entering your life.. that was so powerful, hope i could do that.. but as oprah said, it would take time.. and before you knew it, everything was already fine..

another thing that hit me the most was the line of goldie hawn when she was interviewed by oprah.. i was watching the episode earlier this morning, and it was about the after-show talks which tv audience were not able to catch when they watch at primetime.. only the studio audience was able to witness the hilarious moments they had with the hollywood stars after the show.. well anyways, it was with her interview (after the show) with goldie and susan sarandon when one of the audience suddenly claimed that they were sitting in front of three amazing, successful women (GH, SS and O!) and she just noticed that none of them was married and asked em what's their key to their success and when are they planning to get married.. oprah answered first telling the audience, "if someone asks me that question, i tell them to phone goldie and ask her first when she will be getting married cause obviously she has to be the first between us to get married" (audience laughing).. then goldie answered, "you know what i dont need nobody to make me whole, because if someone completes you - you're in trouble honey.. nobody completes you but you!!" beautiful!! such an eye opener.. thanks goldie and thanks to the oprah show for letting me ponder those thoughts..

another thing - Cher's imaginative theory about perfumes (also been discussed after the show).. she wears chocolate vanilla perfumes cause she believes that if you smell like food, men wouldnt forget you.. lolz..

| 1st-time glitches..

earlier this day, i got my first call.. and lucky me (sarcastic) for having an irate caller for the first time.. it was this old lady trying to trace where her refund went.. and since she has these lots of credit cards in her account history, i dont know where to look from.. i raised my hand trying to escalate my call to the first available team leader there is.. and one even helped me out.. unfortunately, he wasnt able to locate the refund as well.. and so we called to the next higher person around.. her name is aimee and she's an American.. she tried looking it from the system that we dont have access yet.. and when she found it, the caller told me to give her just a call back.. i was about to tell her where her refund certainly went when she hung up on me.. bummer!! but it was alright.. 1st call – the first shitty call ever hehe!!

but the rest of the calls I had was totally fine.. I mean after that shitty call I have, I had composed myself and tried to be as cheerful as I can be to the callers I have.. lucky me because most of them were so nice to me and very obedient of what I had to say.. though there were some mistakes that I did, well im sure that it was well-compensated by the kind of service I give to them.. surely, I treated them the way I wanted to be treated as well.. another day passed and another day will come with more calls to handle..

| a text to tell..

during one of my sleepless nights, i texted my beloved telling him this..

"I remember the day that we met.. It was at dawn back then.. i was just wearing fliflops on my feet and you approached me and welcomed me with the greatest smile i have ever seen.. Then you took me home.. a home to your heart.. Then, when im about to leave, i knew that i'll not be taking my heart with me anymore.. I was touched when you told me that, "itong mukhang ito, hindi ka pababayaan nito.." from that point, i knew that i was being taken care of.. I knew that i was in good hands.. And you proved me right.. You showed sincerity to your actions and i was happy with that.. More than happy to be exact.. You were actually the only person who did things like that for me.. I was thankful.. But when you flew for Palawan, it seemed that you dont wanna come back anymore.. Much more when you left for the States.. I cant blame you for that.. People change as well as their feelings and thoughts.. But guess what, my love has always been there for you.. It never changed.. Still trying to check on you through your blogs - well, that's the most i can do at that time.. And now you're back, and obviously trying to get rid of me.. MASAKIT!! guess i have to forget you again for another attempt.. Hope this will be the last cause people do get tired.. Not because there's no love anymore, but because of a realization that what i have for you - no matter how try to offer it to you, you will never accept it cause you were too afraid to give it a try.. Goodbye ***! Best of luck.. My heart will always remember a person like you.."

And then he replied,

"Ey, im not trying to get rid of you.. I've been honest with you.. i cant give something i dont have.. i dont wanna be unfair to you.. I still love my ex.. Ayokong in the end you'd feel like i cheated you.. I do like you, you know that.. But i cant give you what you need.. Besides, i wont be staying in Manila always.. We can be friends though.. Im sorry mah beh, but i dont wanna lie to you or cheat you of something that you deserve.. You deserve someone who would love you as much as you love 'em.."

Im hurting.. i am because im desperately in love with the person.. fate must've gotten her hands on me again.. maybe i dont deserve to have him or the other way around.. but either way - the hell i care.. even if we dont deserve each other, what matters most is that i love the person.. nothing can change that.. even fate can not..

| a tribute to dance..

Madonna's Hung Up

Time goes by so slowly 6x

*** Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up I'm hunging up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught upI don't know what to do

Time goes by so slowly 3x
I don't know what to do

*** 2x

Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm doneI'm hanging up on you
I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me'cause I
'll find my way you'll wake up one day but it'll be too late

*** till fade..

| nesting..

Tonight will be the start of our nesting period – which lasts for a week.. and tonight, ill be taking calls for the first time.. hope to do so well.. but it’ll be alright if I don’t do good.. what’s good about our job is that there’s always room for improvement.. the trainers including our team leaders make sure that we will do good on the floor.. they were very supportive and very handy at times.. always willing to answer our queries and always willing to explain things that were hard to grasp.. hope to be one of them someday, cause I would really like to share what I have learned from them as well..

| utopia..

As wikipedia defines, utopia, in its most common and general positive meaning, refers to the human efforts to create a better society - a perfect society that does not exist... knowing that, I can say that im a utopian.. always looking forward to live a perfect life where everything I wanna have will be given to me and everything that I want in my life will happen.. cliché as it may sound, but we can never get all the things we want in life.. no matter how we try it, we can never have them all.. somehow, in our journey, there’s always this something that lacks in our life.. something that makes us want to have more.. maybe that’s why humans are insatiable.. because they can never have all the things they want whenever they want it.. sometimes even the person we want to share our life with can never be ours.. it’s just so sad to think that when you know that he’s the one for you, something you were not prepared for came up.. and that’s even more hard to accept because of that something.. though being a utopian is not a good idea cause life will never be the way you want it or even more be perfect for your taste, but I will keep on dreaming that someday, it will be.. cause if there’s something that they cant take away from me, it will be my freewill… my freedom to dream and to do whatever it takes to reach that dream..

| win some, lose some..

Last Monday night, a twist of faith happened.. the results of our midpoint assessment were already told and shockingly, only minority of the class passed (including me).. to make it even more heartbreaking, most of the persons that I grew close to for the past month did not make it.. waahh!! It was really tough for all of us thinking that we have already built rapport with each other and that we really got so close.. it was like a one big happy family being teardown.. though some almost make it, which gave them another chance to pull it through for another week.. but some were being moved to different accounts and worse, some even had to go from the top again.. ahh.. life can be oh so cruel at times.. but that’s why it is unpredictable.. you can never tell what’ll happen next.. to all my friends who have grown so deeply in my heart, I will never forget you guys.. I will always be the ever helpful, cheerful, small ja that you once knew.. see you around!!

| a trip down to memory lane

Last last Saturday was the moment of truth, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.. at last, the long wait was over.. it was the day we finished college – it’s our Graduation Day!!! Oh well, just like one of the ordinary days I’ve been through.. the excitement – it was all spoiled out because of the long wait (literally) after our final exams.. it could’ve been more surreal if they scheduled it just a few weeks after our exams.. but they did not.. they scheduled it almost two months after our finals which was not that good and not that as exciting anymore.. nevertheless, I managed to enjoy the event in amidst of these thoughts..

We were told to dress in a corporate attire – but does it mean that if we’re not properly dressed we’ll not be able to march… nah.. of course we can wear whatever we want.. anyways, it’s our graduation.. there’s no stopping us from climbing the stage and taking in our final bow.. even the way we dressed at that time..

We arrived to the venue (guess what?? it was held at feu auditorium which is just in front of our building..) ahead of time.. and you know, the normal stuff – picture picture.. yeah!! we took a lot of pictures.. I might not be able to upload it all here.. sowee.. and then we were told to fall in line and wear our togas.. ahhhh..

And when our name was called, geez!! super sarap ng feeling.. and then we have our baccalaureate mass which I took part as the second reader.. ahihi.. and then after that is the graduation proper.. they told us that special awards will be given for outstanding students and for those who showed leadership skills… it was kinda surprise cause they didn’t announce the recipients of such awards prior to that day – and so I was called hehe to receive one of them.. and so as my fellow colleagues who showed exemplary leadership skills and service to the students.. congratulations to all of us..

And then the commencement speaker uttered his incredibly long speech.. oh boy!! It bored me to death.. as in I was literally putting my head to the back rest and yawned a LOT of times.. too bad, my fone was not with me then so we're not able to take pictures just to kill time.. but eventually, the speech ended!!

After that, we formed at the side of the stage to be called one by one to receive our diplomas… Yipee!! I was thinking then how I started myself in feu.. I was previously enrolled to the other school before getting myself in feu.. and then, I had no idea that I’ll be having a trimestral basis then and no idea that I’ll be part of the pioneer batch.. the subjects were difficult.. I hated calculus the most though I really love math.. and electronics as well.. communications subjects are my kind of subjects.. I excel there more than in elex subjs… then we had terror professors who put our lives to the test.. but then we really have nice ones who became our friends.. and the projects were annoying and the deadlines were even more annoying.. a lot of pressure to deal with.. much more when thesis came.. we had more sleepovers than ever.. more bickering and fighting.. ahh!! Those were the days ill be missing for sure when I get out of school.. in amidst of all thos thoughts running through my head, my name was called.. tears were peeping through my eyes while receiving the diploma, having my final bow with all smiles, shaking hands with my professors and kissing our very loving department head… ohh that was really a heart-felt moment..

And of course, what could be more emotionally disturbing than bidding goodbyes to your friends who have become and will always be a part of your life.. as well as thanking your parents and congratulating them for a job well done.. that for me, though seemed ordinary day, was the day I will never forget..

CONGRATULATIONS FELLOW

Graduates!!

| bewilderment of the heart

lately, I have been (emotionally??) involved with a girl that I am working with.. it all started after the night we went out.. some things happened during that night that I need not to elaborate.. let’s just say that we quite had a good time with each other.. and so we texted over the weekends and shared thoughts about ourselves.. I was totally awed by what she has just revealed.. though I don’t wanna brag about it, she said that, “I like you..”.. I don’t know where that came from or what gave her the reason to feel such thing towards me.. I mean everybody knows in our workplace what my sexual preference is and that what I was showing off my bisexual side.. (but not totally out!! and mind you, I do not cross dress – though I have nothing against it, I just don’t like the idea of wearing opposite sex’s garments.. I have been an open book to everybody for the longest time and I like it to be that way for the rest of my life.. that’s one way I think of being honest to one’s self..) and so I didn’t know what to say to her after learning what was on her mind.. honestly, I feel elated by the fact that she has this feeling for me but I don’t wanna use that to take advantage of the situation.. I mean I don’t wanna commit myself to someone just because she likes me.. it’s more like of an inner evaluation and a lot of consideration to finally get into a relationship (oh! now I’m growing up!!).. and there are factors that complicate things which I prefer not to discuss for her privacy.. but right now, I am enjoying her company and who knows, this might be the start of something different.. what thrilled me the most with her leak was that she accepts me for who I am.. and that I think what matters most.. it’s seldom that I encounter a person like her.. I shared this story with my well-trusted hommies and they told me just to hold on to my thoughts and do not rush things.. think it over and just have a great time with her.. but then one friend asked me, “what about *** ?”.. and then that’s where the confusion starts.. what if he comes back (though there are least possibility for such thing to happen).. but then, just a moment ago.. I’ve learned that he’s back in the country.. somehow, I was/am still hoping for him to reach me.. but that’s okay.. I understand that his life is entirely way out of mine.. so the question now is, "should I go to the first available person there is or should I stick to the one who holds my heart for the past two months??"

well, my answer is – I do not know!!

| my purpose..

Yesterday, during our second day of advanced training… the instructor (new!) asked me of what would be my purpose in life.. thinking that I should not focus in my dreams only but for the general aspect why I am living my life – I told her, “that I want to contribute to humanity by sharing God’s given skills and knowledge that I have”.. and that was okay.. but then, my co-trainees said their speeches and they got so emotional.. that they concentrated more on what they think should be the sole reason why they want to work.. some answered about family stuff and some answered about achieving personal desire.. and so all were touched by their stories even if they are told in just a single line… before the instructor ended such a brainier activity, I told her if I can change my purpose and be specific of what I really want in life… and so she let me proceed with my spill – and I told everybody that, “I want to succeed in life and so I can prove to my dad that I can do better without him..” and everybody sympathized me.. because as of that moment, that was what I want to do with my life.. to equip myself with every knowledge that I can acquire before the moment we face each other.. to somehow let him realize that even if he’s not here to guide nor support me if not love me, well, it doesn’t matter cause im doing good without his presence.. and then that was over.. as we waited for our own phone simulations, I got the chance to talk to two of my co-trainees (my turned-out-to-be-counselors).. it was just a how-are-you question and more like of a harutan at first.. I cant really recall how did it start but I suddenly found myself answering the question of Jane if what I have said earlier was really my purpose in life.. and so Audrey and her started lecturing me about the right motivation that should be taking to reach the right direction in life not the one that leads to bitterness and anger that I have just shown and told.. I was blown away by Jane’s question and it went like this, “Ja, what are you going to do after you have met your father and finally proved to him that you can do better (survive) without him???” and then I contemplated things and told myself, “Oo nga noh!”.. what will be my next driving force.. is that it?? Is that the end of it?? And then they started talking about their lives and how they have overcome if not the same but greater intensity of bitterness they have as well before.. their stories were really inspiring and then I told myself that if these two can do it, well, I can as well.. I mean finally letting go of the negative things they have in their lives.. maybe, that’s why the result of my psychological test showed that I am a melancholic person.. it’s because I dwell too much on the negative things rather than the positive.. that though im trying hard to cover it up by cranking jokes all the time, making it a habit to make other people laugh and entertaining as many people as I can – still, there’s something that holds me for me not to feel the same way I let other people want to feel – and that is to be happy and fulfilled.. I have completely forgotten about myself and the people that love me the most – my family.. that I should be grateful despite the fact that the other half of me is missing (cause of my father’s identity) but I realized from the sort-of-a-therapy that I have gone with my two counselors that I can get that other half of identity to my family, friends and to the people who love me.. I have focused myself in looking forward to the day me and my father will meet, and so I have overlooked that my mom is here with me – that I should thank her instead for she was able to bring us all up by herself.. (love you mommy!).. and so I promise myself to let go of the bad things I have in my heart.. it’ll not happen overnight but im sure that eventually, I will be able to gather the lost pieces of myself.. and for the third time, “Can I change my purpose??” – my purpose now is to do whatever it takes to bring comfort to my mom and my family so long as I live..

*a special thanks to Audrey and Jane for making me ponder these thoughts..